*RIGHT & WRONG FOUNDATIONS DURING THE ENGAGEMENT PERIOD**A. DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COURTSHIP & ENGAGEMENT 💍 *

*RIGHT & WRONG FOUNDATIONS DURING THE ENGAGEMENT PERIOD**A. DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COURTSHIP & ENGAGEMENT 💍 *

Christian courting is the process of a young man seeking  out a young woman, under   the  supervision of  the Church,  for  the purpose of  finding  a  spouse (man)  or receiving a spouse  (woman).

Courtship  is  about open  and  honest  exploration  of  each   other’s  lives  and families    leading    up   to  engagement   and   marriage.   Courtship   is   about marriage - you court in order  to see  if there is any reason why you shouldn’t get married to  that  person.  During  courtship,  you  should   cultivate  each other as  friends  (you  MUST  become friends); make  sure  that you share  the same  passion  and  commitment to Christ; make  sure  that you have  the same belief systems;  inform  your  parents and  then commit  to marry  each  other! This is not a time to be romantically attached to each  other.

Courtship  is a word  that has  been  adopted to describe a biblical  model  for the relationship  leading   up  to marriage.  In  the Bible,  the  parents were always  involved  in the marriage process. They did not arrange the marriage without the children’s consent, although they were  certainly involved  in the arrangements. Sometimes the parents found  partners for  the children, and then the children were  consulted for their opinion. Other times the father of man would approach the woman’s  father and make  arrangements with him.

Engagement  starts after there has  been  an  actual proposal by the brother AND an acceptance by the sister and  both are  committed to their decision. Being engaged is a  relationship recognized by God, that is, as  soon  as  you commit to marry  each  other, you already move to Holy Ground. Two biblical terms are  used  for  this  type of  relationship  –  betrothed and  espoused –  as seen  in the following  scriptures Deuteronomy 20:7, 22, Leviticus 19:20, and Matthew 1:18.

Another way  of  putting it is that there are  only  two kinds  of  relationship between Christian brothers and  sisters that is recognized by God:
(a)  Being engaged
(b) Being married. 
Different  rules  apply  to each  type however and the rest of  this text  is devoted to learning about rules  that apply  to the engagement period.

*B. RIGHT FOUNDATIONS*
_1. Examine  your convictions  and   your motives (Proverbs 4:26;  14:15;
22:3, Psalms  15)_
Convictions are  very powerful things. They motivate a man/woman and keep him/her  going even  when  there is opposition.  You  need  to tell yourself  the truth in your  heart (Psalms  15).   Proverbs  4:26,  22:3 & 14:15 all  stress  the importance of looking well ahead to where you are  going. This is a vital part of being  careful. You should  be  able  to document your  attractions to your fiancée and  judge the importance of each  of these attractions – 1 Peter 3:3-5. This is in fact an assignment at this stage. You need  to answer  such things as:
_What  are   my  convictions   based   on?_  
_Am   I  in  this   relationship  as  a response to economic, domestic, societal or sexual  pressures?_
        _What are  the other person’s convictions?_
_Are there incompatibilities  of any kind – intellectual, spiritual?_
  _If there are, how do we deal  with these?_

One important characteristic of convictions is that they are  not necessarily right. The fact that someone is strongly convicted about something and even willing  to die  for  it does  not make  that thing  right.  Clear  examples of this are  suicide  bombers. The Bible also  talks about submitting your  convictions regardless   of   how   supernatural/spectacular   they  came    about  to   the authority of God’s Word. Any conviction that came  from an open  vision after 40 days  of dry fasting  that does  not line  up with  the revealed principles of God  in  the Bible  is  from  the devil.  This  is  why  you  need   to submit  such convictions to spiritual authority. The  safest and  surest way  God leads  His people is through the Word and by His anointed ministers.

*2. Put all your cards on the table (1 Kings 9:4, Proverbs 11:3; 19:1; 20:7;
14:15)*
You need  to be completely honest with your fiancée/fiancé on things like
        Health defects
Aspects of your past that have  a consequence on your present & future life (e.g. having a child before)
Good aspects of your personality and the ones you are  currently working on to improve  etc
This also  provides  an  opportunity for  both of you to start correcting by the mirror  principle the things you want to improve  on.

*3. Prayer*
Being engaged automatically means  you  now  have  an  extra person  to pray regularly for. You need  to spend  time to prayer for the same  issues  but you do not have  to pray  in each  other’s  house  together. Set a time in the night to pray  for your marriage. Pray about the kind of life  you want as a couple, about the children God will give you, about your involvement in Church after marriage, etc.

*4. Start Making Adjustments In Your Finances*
At  the  very   least,  you  need   to  start  saving   for   the  range   of  wedding ceremonies you  need  to have.  More  importantly  however is that since  you will have  extra responsibilities  –  spouse  and  later on children,  you need  to
be  more  disciplined with certain expenditure and  be  more  concerned with investments.

*C. WRONG Or WEAK FOUNDATIONS*

*1. Fornication (1 Corinthians 6:15-20; 5:1-5, Hebrews 13:4)*
Sexual    intercourse   between   people   who   have    not   been    married   is fornication. The Bible describes it as a sin against your own body! It can lead to premature physical  death as  seen  in 1 Corinthians 5 if not repented of. Fornication also includes any intimate sexual  play such as caressing, fondling or viewing of the nakedness.

*2.  Don’t   Get   into  Compromising  Situations   (1   Thessalonians 5:22,  2
Corinthians 7:1)*
A  compromising  situation  is  a  situation  that causes   others to doubt  your testimony  as  a Christian.  Anything  that will cause  people to say things  like
‘we thought you people were  Christians’ is an appearance of evil and  should be  avoided. This includes things like  being  seen  coming  out of dark  places together or  been  seen  in each  other company  in one  party’s  house  at late hours  of the night;  or spending  the night  in each  other’s  places and  saying that ‘nothing happened’. Or you travel together and  share  the same  hotel room, etc

In this  category  also  is calling  each  other pet names,  making  clothes  from the same  material (and  co)  to wear  to occasions like  weddings,  etc. You should not act as married couples  because you are  not!

*3. Don’t Start Buying Things  Together!*
Avoid having  a joint account or buying things together whether they are  big things  like a car, land  or even  little things  like  pots,  kettles etc. Wait  until you  are   married.  The  engagement  period   is  a  time to  start  positioning yourselves to be  more  relevant to the kingdom.  The  best way  to do  this financially is to come  together to give for the Kingdom not to buy things for yourselves (Matthew 6:21).

*4. Don’t Live a Lie (Jeremiah 23:14 NIV, Colossians 3:9)*
Don’t  do things  you do not intend to keep  up when  you are  married e.g.  if you do not intend to be following  your wife to the market, then do not do it while engaged.

*5. End All ‘Close’ Relationships With The Opposite Sex*
When you are  engaged, you must re-define all  other relationships with the opposite  sex.  You  must  not  have   any  relationship  with  someone  of  the opposite  sex  that gives  the  impression that  you  are   ‘involved’   with  that person. You have  made  a commitment to your fiancé/fiancée and  must burn all  your  other bridges.  You  should  not flirt as  a  Christian  so  tell such  a
person   in  very  clear   terms that  you  are   engaged.  If  they gave  you  gifts because they had a ‘special’ relationship with you before, tell your fiancé/fiancée about it and  offer  to return the gifts to the person. This is particularly true of sisters; make  sure  you have  not collected gifts under  the guise  that the brother is ‘chasing’  you and  then you go and  get engaged to someone else!

*D. WHEN & HOW To BREAK AN ENGAGEMENT*
The engagement period  is not a period  for trial and  error! Just as you do not enter marriage with divorce  as an option, so also you do not get engaged to marry  with the attitude of  coming  out if it does  not work  out! Since  God recognizes the relationship,  it is Holy Ground  and  you cannot  just back  out whenever you feel  like  nor  have  issues  that are  not resolved to your  liking. This is one  of the reasons why you should  get the Church  involved  even  at the courtship stage.

However,  it  is  recognized that  some   people  (who   usually   did   not  get adequate counsel   in  the first  place) get into  relationships  for  the wrong reasons/motives  and  with  the wrong  person.  The  Word  of  God,  through texts such  as  this, convicts such  individuals. In these cases, it must be submitted  to the Church  elders who  will  treat the case   on  its individual merit and advise  the proper way of coming out of such relationships.

*Two clear  cases  of engagements that should be broken  are:*
        _One party is not a Christian (2 Corinthians 6:14-17)_
        _Those contracted before either or both parties became Christians (2 Corinthians 5:17)._